I Woke Up On Wrong Side Of The Station Wagon

I have collectively gathered a small amount of certain stereotypes I have recently ran across,
that seem to irritate me to unhealthy levels. Levels that create bile in my mouth, and give me knee
radiating heart burn. Keep in mind I only listed a few. The English language doesn’t hold the requisite
words for how much I dislike some of the other stereotypes. So While I am trying to create new words
to describe my thoughts towards them, enjoy the few that I was able to jot down.

The overweight, outwardly confident girl: She tries to overcompensate her insecurities by outshining
her superiors (Attractive women/men that are out of her league) more often than not, A MAJOR

The mildly attractive, nothing to write home about girl that refuses to go out of her comfort zone:
She thinks all guys are creeps, and all they want is her body. Think again…

The fat guy that laughs at his own jokes.

The guy who talks about people doing bazaar things (usually sexual) when he’s really referring to
himself, and everyone knows it.

The person that is always fishing for a compliment: They are dying inside of chronic insecurity, and
need nothing more than validation.

The jackass that loves to hear himself talk.

The white trash, and their Looney Tunes shirts! When will that stop being a thing? Seriously, I think
Tazmania Devil has had just about enough!

People that use the term “I’m not gonna lie.” Yes, please don’t lie about how tired or hungry you are.
Or about how bad you don’t want to go to work.

Ugly people PDA – Disgusting and annoying!

Hot people PDA- Just annoying.

The feminine in the closet gay, that thinks he’s so witty and cute. He typically knows everyone’s
business, has some fancy little job, and thinks he’s the shit. Hangs out with overweight, emotional
girls. All the guys hate him.

The kid that was always the overachieving nerd in high school: He moves on to college and goes
bananas! Parties every night and desperately tries to lose his sweet nerdy virginity. All the girls think
he is cute in a funny, puppy dog kind of way. They don’t actually want to sleep with him. A real life
“American Pie/ Super Bad” story.

The “religious” girl that does everything except sex, and still considers herself a virgin.

The kid that tells everyone about all his hot, kinky sexual escapades that never actually happened.

People who try to sell you on how awesome their lives really aren’t. They are always posting their best
moments on Facebook. We all know you are a loser and your life sucks. So do yourself a
favor and put it away.

The woman that can’t wait to take a verbal swipe at her husband any chance she can get. You could
bring up some irrelevant topic, and she’d manage to fit a few jabs in.

The horny, platonic friend, that will always be the horny platonic friend.

The lazy idiot girl that is dangerously addicted to every mindless reality show airing.

The back door bragger: Slides awesome things about themselves in everyday conversation.

The girl that is only pretty to women: Sorry ladies, guys don’t care as much if they have a great smile
or thick hair. If they have saddle bags that look like they are filled with week old cottage cheese, we’re
going to find something else to do.

Someone who harshly criticizes, then follows up with “ I wouldn’t say anything if I didn’t have
your best interest.” I’m sure.

The homely girl that scrutinizes hot women: The second they catch on to a pretty girl getting male
attention, they tear their asses apart. “She has a weird jaw line. Ewe! Her roots are growing in. She
looks like a washed up porn star. I don’t see why all the guys are interested in her?” Maybe you should
take notes on what she is doing. It’s obviously working for her. Mimicking her is the best chance you will get. 

The moron that can’t just tell you something simple: Has to be a smart ass all the time.
For instance: I’m walking into work, and this mouth breathing, live stock of a man stops me and says
“Lights are out but nobodies home.”
Me- What?
Live stock- Lights are out but nobodies home.
Me- I don’t know what the hell you are talking about?
Live stock- that’s gonna be a bitch to jump start later.
Me- What?
Live stock- left your lights on.
I would have so much rather dealt with a dead battery, rather than dealt with the trigly sweet inanity of
that asenine conversation. Next time I smell blue collar I am going to just put in my head phones and
avoid eye contact. How hard would it have been to say “Hey buddy, your lights are on in your car?”
I’d prefer to not be called “Buddy” though.

Same guy, other occasion
Live stock- I hear you’re moving to the land of cereal?
Me-Are we really doing this again?
Live stock- yeah, the land of cereal.
Me- Huh?
Live stock- California, the land of nuts, fruits, and flakes.
Me- Absolute worst fake laugh anyone in all of history has ever invented.


About zachcrane

The less slobbery, less famous James Franco.
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3 Responses to I Woke Up On Wrong Side Of The Station Wagon

  1. I wanna meet that livestock guy… hahahahaha

  2. Admittedly I was uncomfortable reading some of this and then realized it wasn’t for the reason I thought; it hit a little to close to home…it is good to be forced to look inward from time to time, even for an older person.

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